I was speaking with a friend the other day, and he asked me how to deal with a woman accusing him of using her for sex. Since I get this quite often, I’d like to explain the causes (from her perspective), as well as how we deal with it. This is a big of a wormhole for me, so please forgive the tangents. There are a few subjects we have to touch on and it is important to remember that these situations aren’t specific to male/female relationships. As my following is mostly males interested in females, I’ll proceed in that manner.

First of all, a woman expressing that she believes you to be using her for sex (i.e. not interested in anything other than “a piece of ass”) is not the same as being accused of being a “player”. A player is someone that will use and lie to women for his own benefit. We are not now, nor will we ever be, “players”. When being accused of being such, we explain the definition and reject the accusation in the same way you’d explain that you are not a kangaroo. You are clarifying her misunderstanding and dismissing it, right out. If she is accusing you of using her just for sex in a way that includes the idea that you may be intentionally hurting her to get sex, you will address that in the same way you would if you were being accused of being a player.

PAST EXPERIENCES: In order to understand why a woman might accuse us of using her for sex, we have to understand her past experiences. In the situation my friend found himself in, he eventually discovered that she had been hurt by past boyfriends and was trying to protect herself. After many forays into the world of dating, what you’ll realize is both disheartening and frustrating:

A) Most women have been mistreated by men (we’ll refer to them as “douchebags” from here on out) and

B) The way women have learned or been taught to protect themselves against further douchebaggery is completely detrimental to their growth as a lover and a person (which is why it’s often incredibly easy to pick out the women that have been misused by men).

This method of self-preservation often leads her to generalize about us that, because we are being very charming and making her feel very good, (which virtually no men do – as we know), we are suddenly in a category with her ex boyfriends, most of whom were probably shitty or caused shitty events (from her perspective) at some point. After all, it is highly unlikely that she would not still be with someone that treated her well 100% of the time. Let me make a visual:

A good relationship starts out good and continues being good, which is why it doesn’t end. Let’s draw it like this:

Good  |   Good

A relationship that goes bad starts out good and then turns bad. Let’s draw it like this:

Good  |   Bad

Then, we must understand that if she is not currently in a relationship, it is most likely because there has been a falling out with all of her past boyfriends that has been bad. This can be for a number of reasons. Perhaps he cheated on her, perhaps she cheated on him (which is because something was lacking in the relationship – which could be seen as a negative trait of his), maybe they grew apart and he didn’t deal with it well, or maybe she just liked him so much that when it had to end, she convinced herself he was a jerk, too short, bad in bed, or not enough of “a man” to make herself feel better which makes her think negatively about the relationship. Either way, these are all “relationships that go bad”.

There are, of course, exceptions to the rule, as you will already know if you are following the second of the Art Of The Playboy rules (“Leave people better than you found them”). Sometimes ends are inevitable and we endeavor to remain in a positive light with our past lovers. More on that at another time.

What we are coming to understand from all of this is that it is highly likely that, even if the relationships she had in the past were “good”, if they ended badly – it is probable that she wants to avoid that feeling again – as we all would. Men can suffer the same fate, but it tends not to become such a serious problem. I believe that to be because women are taught that their sexual freedom is bad and can feel “used”, but that’s another kettle of tea.

So, when we start being charming and kind and honest and sexual, it is likely that she will see these qualities and project a relationship with us. This is good in many cases, but for the women that are dwelling on their past “relationships that go bad”, we are following that pattern by representing the first half of that, even though it was good! Are you starting to become frustrated with this realization? It’s like we can’t win, right?

No. Of course not. We can win, and we can make sure she does too. How do we do that? We do that by simply acknowledging the rotten people in her past, making her feel positively about forward progress, and moving on. It’s simple.

It’s not EASY, but it’s simple.

THE SOLUTION FOR HER:

If someone accuses me of using them, I get angry. I don’t shout and scream and stop my foot, but understand that it is so completely inaccurate that I get a bit offended. Do I take it out on the woman with this belief? Of course not. Think of how you would feel if, while you were eating, the waitress accused you of being the type of person to walk out on a tab simply because her last few tables had dined-and-ditched. I would be offended, but I would understand her fears and put her at ease. This is clearly a more serious situation than that, but metaphors help.
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I need to explain to this woman, while being particularly aware that her fear is both real and justified (it is only the way she protects herself that must be altered) that we simply aren’t that douchebag she dated, and that we don’t really think we deserve to be treated like him.

The unfortunate part of her being wary in a manner that guards against men by assuming they’re all out to use her, is that it directly contributes to her only having the worst type of men in her life. Simply put, if you treat all people like they are predators that only want to use you, only the ones that are actually predators will stick around. The good ones will go “Uh, well, I don’t really want to deal with being treated like I am an asshole because I’m not one. See ya.” Unfortunately, movies have taught people that they can be as shitty and moody as they want, and eventually the cute guy/girl will see their real soul from across the room and push through to complete their lives and live with them happily ever after. In real life, good people just go “There’s 9 billion people on the planet, I’m definitely not dealing with that one shitty one that seems to think I’m an asshole.” True story.

As an aside, all genders can be found to do this, too, so don’t think being damaged and fearful is particular to women at all. It’s my opinion that most chauvinism (e.g. “All women are sluts that use men to get what they want.”) comes from precisely the aforementioned situation, as well.

THE SOLUTION FOR US:

My friend brought up another aspect that is oft-overlooked, as well. He asked me how do we frame these kind of accusations (or, really, our desires) in our own mind so we don’t believe we’re the bad guy. Great question and here are things we need to understand so that our brains can process the answer:

-Wanting to have sex with a woman is not bad

-Wanting to JUST have sex with a woman is not bad (i.e. not wanting a relationship or anything further)

-A person using sex as leverage to get you to enter into a relationship with them is WRONG (and is the very thing that makes someone feel used when they ‘hold back’ sex until they think they can get something -a relationship- from someone else and don’t get it)

-We are good lovers that, when we have romantic/sexual/platonic relationships with people, increase the quality of their lives

Realize that all the assumptions she is making (her fears) are coming from the idea that being our lover will decrease the quality of her life and that simply isn’t true.

The belief that we must remember and hold close to our hearts is that all time spent with us will increase the quality of someone’s life or, at the very least, is intended to. We also must remember that we are, or are learning to be, good lovers that, through attention, desire, emotion, and empathy, will give women experiences that they often cannot get (or, in the worst-case scenario, NEVER get) from other men. It is our duty to attempt to give them these experiences because, at the VERY LEAST, time spent with us will be time that they will not spend with douchebags. My friend Jamie Social Coach out of Sydney quite succinctly puts it this way: “It is a gentleman’s job to try and fuck a woman.”

ON THE SUBJECT OF CLARITY:

It’s often taught that we must make it known ASAP to a woman that we aren’t interested in an exclusive relationship. This is very tricky because, as I and many people I’ve met along this path have discovered, it can actually be offensive to a person to assume they wish to only be in an exclusive relationship with someone they are having sex with, just as it is offensive to us for people to assume we are incapable of commitment because we aren’t interested in exclusivity right at that moment.

I told my friend, for simplicity’s sake, that he should make it known when they aren’t in a sexual situation, hanging out or at lunch, for instance. This is to say that, when we get horny our brains go “yeah, yeah, that’s fine” (see: how diligent people are with condoms) and can result in lack of clear, logical thought. This can lead to regret and we don’t want that at all. I did, however, make it clear that it’s not really necessary for us to make such a big deal out of this “talk”. In the PUA world, it is touted as extremely important (honesty, of course, is the most important element of it all), but I don’t believe it need to be a sit-down discussion and I don’t teach it as such. To assume you would be exclusive with someone because you’re having sex with them is illogical, but it is very necessary for us to make sure she knows where we stand and what our interests are. If you ever find yourself being misleading because you feel a woman will stop seeing you if you tell the truth, then you immediately need to have a discussion about what you both want but, aside from that scenario, I take each relationship day-to-day and make sure I am in touch with her desires, my desires, and the truth of the relationship equally.

In conclusion, when a woman expresses that she thinks we are only out to get a piece of ass, remember that this is both a display of affection (because she is often telling us we make her feel good), and a request for you to be sensitive, caring, and to show her a new way to love and explore her sexuality that will make her life better.

Good luck,

-Gareth Roger Martin Jones